I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
You can always tell when a man's well informed. His views are pretty much like your own.
H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Frank Lloyd Wright
He was like a cock who thought the sun had risen to hear him crow.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
I never said most of the things I said.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
W. C. Fields
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.
In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
George Bernard Shaw
It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea; but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
Before I refuse to take your questions, I have an opening statement.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
The chief function of the body is to carry the brain around.
Thomas A. Edison
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!
It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.
It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.
Arthur C. Clarke
Never fight an inanimate object.
P. J. O'Rourke
We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.
W. H. Auden
Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.